January panic

Maybe panic is too strong a word. Today is January 6th, the kids went back to school, and I start teaching again on January 12th. Six more days. I think panic is the right word.

All during the break I kept thinking how nice it was that I had this week to work on my classes, and it is nice, but it's not as nice as I dreamed it would be. A week is long, but it isn't long enough. I need a month. Actually, what I need is to be single and childless, living alone in a little apartment -- OK, no, stop. We've been through this before. When I was single and childless, living alone in a little apartment, I never got anything done. I'm a lot more productive and efficient as a married mother of two. Seriously, I am. I'm just not productive and efficient ENOUGH.

OK, stop again. Deep breath, calming thoughts. It is going to be OK. No matter what happens, it is going to be much easier than it was last fall. I will get more or less prepared in the next six days, and then I will go to class on the first day, and it will be OK. I fear that I will not know what to say, that nothing will come out of my mouth, but of course that isn't true. I will have all kinds of things to say to my students and it will be just fine. If I can possibly manage to learn all their names.

Sometimes I think the problem is that I can't distinguish between fear and excitement. I LIKE to teach. I come home from teaching (most days) in a good mood. But when I leave the house in the morning, I'm wringing my hands, my teeth are chattering, I'm panicky, depressed, sure that it will be a dreadful day. Sometimes it's fairly dreadful, but most of the time it's fun. Why can't I remember that when I'm sitting at my desk, "preparing" for class?

Well, for starters, my desk looks like this:
Not a reassuring sight, is it? Today I woke up feeling groggy -- didn't get enough sleep last night. It was the first day back to school for boos, so I had to get up at 6:45, after getting up around 10:00 most days this vacation. Plus, at 4:30 am, Kid B announced loudly "Pie is in our room!" which woke Rocket Boy and me out of a sound sleep -- and for no reason, since a moment later we heard one of the boos let Pie out of their room and close the door again, followed a moment after that by Pie jumping on our bed. I did go back to sleep, but the damage was done. So I decided that since I was too groggy to think and plan, today would be cleanup day. Sadly, the photo above was taken this evening, AFTER cleanup day.

I have a lot of excuses for why my desk looks like that, all of which I'm sure you'd love to hear, but the most important reason today was that our recycling bin is full. Our recycling is collected every two weeks, and we somehow missed putting it out two weeks ago. I say "we" but really I mean Rocket Boy -- however, I could just as easily have pushed the recycling bin down to the curb myself (if I hadn't been asleep), so we'll stick with "we" for now. Anyway, it didn't get put out, so that means we have almost a month's worth of newspapers, cereal boxes, cat food cans, you name it, in the bin, with no room for anything else. That's why I didn't make much progress on my desk today. Maybe I will try again on Friday, AFTER the truck takes away the recycling and there's room in the bin to get rid of all my piles of papers.

You know, I just remembered this was supposed to be a New Year's post, with resolutions and all that. Resolution #1: Clean desk. Obviously, that's going really well. No, seriously, I do have resolutions, but not too many interesting ones this year. What I did find interesting was how well I did on last year's resolutions. I believe I've mentioned before that I don't really look at my resolutions after I write them. Maybe a couple of times, mostly in January, but for the rest of the year I tend to leave them alone, even though I know exactly where the clipboard is with the list. So it's always interesting to pull the list out, on or about December 31st, and see how I did.

Last year my number one goal was to do well at my job -- my horrible dreadful job that I quit at the end of February. So you'd think that resolution didn't go too well, no? But resolution #2 was "If possible, find something in Boulder instead." And I did! I knew the job was dreadful, even back before we ever went on the phones, and I knew I wanted to find something else. So that was a good call.

Some other successful resolutions were "Sell a house" and "Sell a car," both of which we did. I had also resolved to "Think about remodeling this house," and while we didn't actually remodel it, we did think about it, and we acquired a new roof and four new windows. So I think that was a success too, though we have a long way to go. I also read 54 books (the goal was 52), watched a lot of movies at home on Saturday nights with Rocket Boy (yes, that was a goal too), and bought a bike and started riding it (and then bought another, when the first one was stolen). Biking wasn't a goal, but exercise was, so I think that counts.

So what are my goals for this year? They're pretty low-key. #1 is not actually "clean desk" but rather, "work hard at my job and try to hang on to it." I know there's no guarantee I will be rehired next year, so I just have to work hard and hope for the best. Beyond that, all the other goals are kind of non-specific. Continue fixing up our house and Clifford's. Figure out what to do with Clifford's house (rent it, sell it, live in it). Keep sorting through our possessions (clean my desk!). Read at least 52 books, watch movies with Rocket Boy on Saturday nights. Take another road trip this summer. Write. Exercise. Sleep. Go back to Weight Watchers and try to lose some weight (I don't have much hope for that one, but it has to be on the list). Enjoy my life.

Onward into 2015. Does anyone else have any interesting goals for the year ahead? And now, because it is, ack! almost 11:30!, I must head for bed.