Sunday

I haven't written much about my school starting, other than how tired I am. It's really been going fine -- I have three classes, all the students are great, the schedule makes it possible for me to walk the boos to school in the morning and walk them home in the afternoon...

But in other ways it's not so great, and it's really nothing to do with what's actually going on this semester. It's all about last semester, and how miserable I was. I cannot seem to lose the anxiety that I felt all last term. It's like I have this core of misery from last spring that hasn't been dealt with. I'm so ashamed of what a bad job I did with the one difficult class. Yes, I was in a hard situation, but I didn't have to handle it as badly as I did. I really wish I could have done things differently, but somehow it seemed like everything I tried got me into a worse mess. It was very very bad. And as a result, I feel almost as though it's still happening, that somehow all of this semester's classes are that class all over again and I am a really awful teacher.

There's NO reason to feel this way! This term is going well and I'm a fine teacher. Not the best ever, but not bad. I really think I can say that. Plus, I enjoy teaching, at least some of it. I don't enjoy grading, but no one does. I like getting up in front of a class -- or sitting down in a circle -- and leading the students in a discussion, encouraging them to talk to each other, all that good stuff. I love watching students develop, express themselves, do interesting work...

I wish I could quit. But we need the money, and we need the health insurance. Rocket Boy's job offers health insurance, but not Kaiser. I want to stick with Kaiser because we're familiar with it, we have all our doctors there, and, most importantly, if we end up needing to pay for our own insurance again, it's the cheapest. Insurance aside, I think both Rocket Boy and I need to work, in case one of us gets fired/laid off/let go.

So I need to work, and lucky me, I have a job. But the anxiety is really eating into any pleasure I get out of it. The hardest thing seems to be grading -- I can't get myself to do it. I have a stack of approximately 150 assignments that need comments written on them -- the pile has been building up over the last 3 weeks -- and I can't seem to do it. Tomorrow I'll receive 55 more assignments. I have to grade them. What will I do?

So, Sunday, the day before going back to work. We had a hard time with the boos today, and although I hung in there through a lot of difficult experiences, I did finally lose it at the end. Boos and I came home from the library, Kid B got out of the car and ran in the house, Kid A was slower so I asked him to hand me the books strewn all over the back seat so I could carry them inside. Kid A frowned and said "Why do I have to do it?! [Kid B] didn't help!" I told him to stop complaining and help, and he tossed a couple of books at me and then said "I'm so tired! I can't do it!" and I lost it. I know, I know, I'm a wicked evil mother who does everything wrong, everything, everything, everything wrong. I also can't do my job right, I'm an awful teacher, I should be fired, I wish I could quit.

I don't like Sundays.