January muck

Depression is really kicking my butt this month, to the point where I'm having trouble coping. It hit me hard two weeks ago, when I got my student evaluations from last semester back. Most of them were good, or pretty good, but there was one very snotty one: "You're a nice person but you shouldn't be teaching college," and one dreadful one, all about what a racist I supposedly am, that went on and on. For a couple of days after I read those, I almost couldn't function. I couldn't sleep without medication and during the day I was full of grief but couldn't cry. I find it very hard to cry anymore, unless it's at something sentimental. But when I'm unhappy I can't cry. I feel as though my whole body is crying, but I can't let it out through the normal channels.

Anyway, a few days later I had lunch with a friend who told me about the time someone wrote an evaluation of her that said, "This is the worst teacher I've ever had in my life," and that made me feel better. But I still feel awful. I think the bad evaluations had the effect of plunging me down into a depression, and it isn't all about them anymore, it's just depression. My old pal.

Sometimes I surf around the web looking for advice on dealing with the big D, something, anything I haven't heard before. I do know a lot of good things to do. My resolution to walk every day is going pretty well -- I walked home from campus twice last week (35 minutes), which felt great -- and exercise plus being outdoors are both helpful for depression. I work hard at shooing away the "intrusive thoughts" about how my students hate me, etc. I try to practice self-compassion, thinking about how this is a hard time, everyone has hard times, I need to be nice to myself and not beat myself up, etc. I'm trying to get enough sleep. I'm trying to think before I yell at the kids. Etc.

But it isn't enough to chase a big depression away, it just helps me get from one moment to the next. So I'm always looking for other stuff. One night I googled something like "waking up with a feeling of dread," because that was a problem last week -- very hard to get up, dress, and get the kids ready for school when I'm gripped with that feeling. Amusingly, there were lots of articles about exactly that problem. But they said things like, "Be nice to yourself, have something yummy for breakfast, repeat positive affirmations, take a hot shower." There was no information about what to do when Kid A is screaming because Kid B touched his underwear, and Rocket Boy is mad because Kid A won't eat anything and Kid B knocked over his milk, and what do I do when it's already time to leave and I haven't brushed Kid B's snarled hair yet because I'm having trouble moving because I'm so miserable, and neither of them has brushed his teeth in THREE DAYS, and the dental hygienists are going to yell at me the next time we go in, but we'll lose our health insurance again before then anyway, and OMG I forgot to put Kid B's eczema cream on him last night, and no, honey, you can't wear your flip flops, it's 22 degrees outside, and.... you get the picture.

It occurred to me that almost ALL those depression articles sound like they're written for single people. Don't parents get depressed? There's a depression blog I read sometimes, and the only thing I ever remember her saying about depressed people with kids is that depressed people shouldn't have kids if they're not willing to take their medication regularly (she was the child of a depressed father who wouldn't take his meds) (she doesn't have kids herself) (obviously).

Do I need to go back on medication? The only thing that worked at all the last time I tried a bunch of different meds was Lexapro, and I put on 20 pounds in a month when I took it. This morning on my bedroom scale I weighed 250 pounds. So, 270 pounds or stay depressed? Is that the choice?

I see my new therapist this week and I'll talk to her about what's going on. Maybe it'll start to lighten up soon. Until then, I'll keep trying to cope. But it isn't easy.