1-2-3

Wednesday evening, after I got home from yucky work, we headed over to the kids' school for a parenting class taught by a school psychologist. It's a version of 1-2-3 Magic, which at one point (a couple years ago) we worked very hard to try to use. I can't remember exactly why we stopped using 1-2-3, but I think life just got overwhelming -- though you'd think a technique that makes your kids behave better would be useful when life is dragging you down. However, like any parenting technique (other than neglect), 1-2-3 takes work, and I suppose it began to seem like too much work.

Just as I don't really believe I'll ever be good at my new job, I don't really believe that I'll ever have well-behaved children, and that belief, or rather, lack of belief, makes me unlikely to work hard at any parenting technique.

On the other hand, I remind myself, it might be possible to have SLIGHTLY BETTER BEHAVED children. That would be huge. Thus, when notice of this free class came home in the kids' backpacks, I signed us up right away.

One good thing about the 1-2-3 technique (that I'd forgotten) is that it requires the PARENTS not to get mad. You have to say "That's one!" etc., before you lose control. And you have to stay not-mad. None of this, "I said, THAT'S ONE! Are you LISTENING to me?!!! Gosh darn it, what is your problem, THAT'S TWO!" etc. When the kids go to time out, the parents get a break too, and if they have started to get mad, that's their time to calm down. If you can't get the kids to go to their time-out place (a common problem with our two), Mom can go to her time-out place instead and lock the door. I often need to do this.

We told the kids about the new program (or new-old program for us, really) at dinner on Thursday night. The boos were very interested, as if it were a game. After dinner, I sat with them in their room and we did some practice counting. The psychologist had asked us to write down some "stop" behaviors we wanted to focus on. I chose fighting (both boys get counted), one attacking the other or one of us, yelling and whining, and dangerous/destructive behavior.

As we sat in their room, Kid A began launching blocks across the room using a makeshift catapult. "That's one!" I said, as a block hit my foot. Startled, Kid A asked if he could launch the blocks gently, so that they dropped in front of him or on the bed. I agreed, but pretty soon they were flying again. "That's two!" I said. His eyes got wide and he stopped launching blocks. Success!

A little while later, Kid B (just tired, I think) started kicking and pinching his brother. We got to 3 pretty quickly, and Kid B was escorted to his time-out place (our bedroom). At the end of his five minutes, he was pretty cheerful, and we got ready for bed.

Such a good start! But it's gone downhill from there. Rocket Boy attempted to use 1-2-3 on Friday afternoon when he had the kids, but it didn't go well. He has a very hard time with it -- I remember that from when we tried it before. And Friday night, he went to a meeting and I had the kids to myself... and I was just too tired to enforce any rules.

Today, Saturday, I tried to use the technique, but I don't think I was very effective. Sometimes all I have to say is "That's one!" and everyone calms down. But sometimes they're acting out because they're bored, and rather than count them, I probably ought to play with them. Late in the afternoon before dinner (everyone's favorite time of day, sigh) we had two time outs in a row -- one with just Kid B and one with both boys -- and they did not go well. Although the boos have different official time-out rooms (Kid A's is their bedroom), we have such a tiny house that they can actually carry on a conversation by shouting through the closed bedroom doors at each other. I told them I was going to restart the timer every time they did that -- and I did restart it once -- but then I got tired of the struggle and just sat in the office and ignored them. Bad Mom.

But I'm not giving up. Tomorrow is another day. Besides, we have two more meetings with the psychologist, so lots of time to ask questions and hear about the other parents' experiences. I'm not feeling very optimistic, though. Sometimes I just shake my head and wonder why I ever thought I could raise two little boys. It's soooo much harder than I ever ever dreamed it would be.

Still, they are better behaved than they were when they were three or four. Progress has been made, whether or not it had anything to do with anything we did. And I keep thinking: not perfect children, just SLIGHTLY BETTER BEHAVED children. That's the goal. Maybe we can get there.