A little better

Putting up the tree cheered me up. I was pretty upset when we couldn't find the new tree, because its loss is connected with a lot of other problems that I mostly try to ignore. I had to refer to a blog post from last December to recall why we really bought a new tree then: we had lost a key part of the old tree. It turned up during the course of the year, so the big problem was solved, but the tree also did need a lot of other fixing, and Rocket Boy did it.

He also put the lights on. I'm capable of putting lights on a tree, but I don't enjoy it. He doesn't enjoy it either, but he did it. The twins enjoy hearing my story about how my father had to close the doors to the living room before putting the lights on the tree. He needed privacy to complete such a challenging task, plus he also needed to swear at the tree, which we kids couldn't be allowed to hear. Rocket Boy can put lights on a tree without swearing.

After the lights it was time to put the ornaments on, and I like doing that, even though it takes forever. The twins helped me for a while and then lost interest. I just kept circling the tree, looking for holes to fill. My favorite ornaments are Rocket Boy's mother's straw stars, which we put on last, and all my birds. Back when I was an active member of the local bird club, I used to go to the holiday party every year. No matter which member hosted the party, there was always a large tree covered with bird ornaments, and there might be a game or contest to count how many varieties there were. So I began collecting my own bird ornaments, and I now have a wide selection: an eagle, a few different owls, a flamingo, a nuthatch, a woodpecker, a heron, a crane, a quail and a partridge, a white peacock, hummingbirds, cardinals, doves...

The bird ornaments make me sad, too, because they remind me of bird club members who have died, and others who've moved away. The bird club was extremely important to me when I first moved to Boulder. I'm OK with not being involved with it anymore -- I can go back to it when the kids are older, or I can just look at birds on my own. Yes, I know, I should have brought the kids up to be birders, but... They can recognize a few birds, they sometimes point birds out to me on walks. Anything more than that would have been a terrific struggle.

Putting up the tree cheered me up enough that I was able to bake cookies on Tuesday. Again looking back at last year's blog posts, I saw the unbelievable note that I baked only one batch of cookies last year, and it was from a mix! That knowledge gave me permission to calm down about cookies. No need to make 12 varieties (ha!), no need to make six. I made three, and the twins and I plan to make one more batch tomorrow, and on Friday we'll make fudge. That's PLENTY.

I got a pretty good "do" on the cookies. The panocha squares were slightly underdone, but fine, the date crunch turned out perfect, and the Norwegian holiday cookies spread out too much, but for high altitude cookies they're excellent. I packed all the cookies away as soon as possible -- they're in tins in our very cold garage (not the section with the cat's litter box). I've been thinking about getting them out again and having a cookie ever since, which is why it's good they're in the garage.

Today I felt a little down again. I miss my mother, I miss our old next-door neighbor, I miss all my aunts and uncles. You have to expect those feelings at this time of year, because holiday memories are all wrapped up with people who are gone. I also miss the twins when they were babies, which seems like another world.

In the afternoon I took the twins to a park for an hour -- would have stayed longer, but I hadn't brought a very warm coat and the temperature was dropping. 39 degrees when we got back in the car, and there had been a particularly noticeable wind blowing. Anyway, the kids had a great time playing with two other little boys, so that was good. And I made stuffed squash and roasted sweet potatoes for dinner, since it is the Winter Solstice, and you are supposed to eat red, orange, and yellow foods, preferably round (like the sun). Still haven't written a single Christmas card, even though I have everything ready. Maybe tomorrow.

Today while driving to the park the kids told me that Dad was going to take them shopping for my Christmas present. I gave him a list earlier, but it's a difficult list, with things like "Dog, but first fix the fence," on it. "I'm not sure Dad will be able to find any of the things on my list," I told the twins. "Santa Claus could bring them," Kid B remarked saucily. "No, Santa Claus doesn't bring presents to grown-ups," I told them. Kid B said, "Why?" and Kid A said, "Anyway, Santa Claus isn't real." This, from the boy who eagerly wrote a letter to Santa a few weeks ago. Both boys waited to hear what I'd say, but I said nothing. I'm not going to be the one who pulls the plug on Santa. They have to work it out for themselves.

It's not that I want everything to be perfect for Christmas. I just want to participate in it fully, because Santa Claus is JUST about over, and after that there's no going back. So that's the goal: get through the next few days, enjoy them if possible, make the various things happen that are supposed to happen, don't sweat things that don't go right, enjoy my little boys. Make some good memories -- even though those may make them sad when they remember them decades from now.