I tried googling something like "dealing with depression at Christmas when you have kids," but it didn't come up with anything useful. That is, it came up with articles about coping with depression at Christmas, especially if you are single or elderly, with grown kids who ignore you, or have kids who are depressed, or if you are dealing with the pain of infertility. This made me realize that I am very lucky not to be any of those things. But actually it feels like a great responsibility to be a mom at this time of year, so many things to get right, and it's a problem when you have no energy and want to spend a lot of time in bed (not weeping, but not accomplishing anything, either). Rocket Boy has no understanding of depression, never has, and he gets annoyed with me when I don't do my part with the kids.
I keep reminding myself that the most important thing is to be reasonably calm and pleasant -- the kids won't really care if we don't make a lot of cookies, but they'll care if I'm grouchy and morose.
But still. I AM grouchy and morose, so there you are. Yesterday the boys wanted me to make scones (from a Trader Joe's mix) and I agreed that I could do that. They were at the kitchen table with me, getting ready to help, and Kid B did something to Kid A, I'm not sure what -- maybe a rude gesture? -- which caused Kid A to walk over to him and hit him several times on the back. My own anger flashed and I picked up Kid A by the armpits and carried him to their room and shut the door. I was trying to stop the fight and my anger before it got any worse, but I still ruined everything. Fa la la la la.
Today nothing like that happened, though I was not very energetic. We managed to put up our tree, which was a much bigger deal than you might think, because Rocket Boy had to do major repairs on it first. Last year the tree seemed beyond salvaging, so we bought a new fake tree at McGuckin's. This year the new tree could not be found, so after weighing our options we decided that the best option was for RB to fix the old one. He bought a glue gun and spent hours working on the different parts. But now the tree is almost as good as new, though one small branch is missing. It has lights on it now, too, and the kids and I will do the ornaments tomorrow.The problem with dealing with depression at Christmas when you're a mom is that a lot of the usual advice handed out at this time of year isn't realistic. "If you don't feel up to being with people, say no to invitations." OK, what does that mean in my situation? Am I supposed to tell my family to go away and leave me alone? "If you don't feel like shopping, give gift certificates or offer to take people out to dinner after the holidays." Sorry, but no. On Christmas morning my kids should not have to wake up to find that Santa left them gift certificates. Actually they'd probably like getting one or two, but there have to be toys.
Some of the advice is OK. "Stick to a schedule, eat normal meals, exercise." Tonight for dinner we had leftover quiche (made by me yesterday), and a package of frozen vegetables. I hadn't bought frozen vegetables in a while and the kids were almost overcome with joy. Kid A had been bugging me to heat up the quiche for about an hour before I finally did, but when he saw those vegetables he said no to quiche and just shoveled carrots, beans, peas, and corn onto his plate. Kid B ate his piece of quiche, but also wanted more and more and more vegetables, especially green beans. I got a little, Rocket Boy had even less. Funny little boys. Tomorrow we're having shrimp pasta with broccoli on the side.
I also try to do the things I like to do during the holidays, such as listen to my favorite holiday CDs and read Christmas books. I took this photo of the kids' Christmas books today, then found three more on the shelf. I was reading lists of people's favorite Christmas children's books online and realized I don't own several of my childhood favorites. Maybe I'll buy myself a Christmas book this year.
But then there's the money issue. One more paycheck, on December 30th, and then that's it. I need to be job-hunting. I'm OK with that in the abstract, but actually sitting down to do it is scary. I'm sure no one will want me. I'm so old. And I still haven't really grieved the loss of my teaching job, assuming it really is gone. At the same time, I'm sort of glad to be moving on, since teaching is hard. But the main thing is that job changes are stressful, not having an income is stressful, not having health insurance is stressful, and I'm tired from the semester and tired from all the stress, and after the Electoral College votes tomorrow we'll have President Trump for sure, and with all that going on it's hard to be a good mom at Christmas. But I keep trying.
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