We hadn't told the twins anything about what was going on, and tonight, when I was at my book group, Rocket Boy actually took them to his office one last time. Over the past six months he's taken them there occasionally on weekends when he needed to get something -- they liked to play hide and seek among the cubicles. Apparently tonight they played the usual games (and Rocket Boy turned in his key card to someone there), and he never said a word to them about it being the last time. When we were putting them to bed, later, we told them. The kids were distraught. We're not sure if they understand what it really means -- but they definitely understand that they don't get to go to his work anymore, which is upsetting for them.
This whole thing is upsetting. I'm trying not to blame anybody, per my resolution, but I need to acknowledge that I'm sad. I was feeling particularly low on Sunday. We're all sad, including the kids now. It's sad to lose a good job. It's stressful. For the whole family. My irritable bowel syndrome has been kicking up a storm the last few days, which is unusual -- and I've also been having knee trouble the last couple weeks, after years of being OK. I wrap my knee every day, so it won't dislocate. I'm pretty sure it's all stress.
My resolution to take responsibility for things and not to blame them on other people is going pretty well. I realized that, paradoxical as it sounds, I needed to stop blaming myself for things too. In other words, blame isn't very helpful no matter what it's applied to. If I blame myself and start wallowing around in self-hatred, that's almost as bad as blaming other people. Nothing gets done. So every time I start to get upset about something -- and start doling out the blame -- I try to stop myself. I say to myself, "OK, fine, it's your fault, whatever, now what can we do about it?" This is a more effective strategy.
It's only been three days of trying this, but it's been an interesting three days. Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes I really desperately want to apply blame, liberally. But every time I manage not to, I feel better.
Today Rocket Boy spent the morning at home getting his work computer ready to return, cleaning off personal stuff and whatnot. I had thought it was going to be my last day to work at home alone, but instead last Thursday was the last day, only I didn't know it. I had a LOT to do for my classes today, a lot of prep work: 18 things on my to-do list. I just worked along, got 9 things done. RB wanted to go out for lunch but I said no, I had to work. At 2:25 I turned off my monitor (I had to leave to pick up Kid A at 2:30 -- Kid B was doing an after-school activity for an hour) and I said something like "Well, having you around during the day again is going to take some getting used to." Of course that comment upset Rocket Boy, and he seemed very hurt. I apologized, and then went off to the school -- and when I got back he had finally left for work.
I wish I hadn't hurt him on his last day of work, when he's so upset. But oh god, I'm screaming inside. I don't want him around all day while I try to get stuff done! We have such a tiny house, and it's so hard to do brainwork with someone else sitting two feet away. But I did it all last year, when he wasn't working, and I know I can do it again. I just have to adjust. Avoiding blame and taking responsibility helps.
We will have to adjust to a lot of things, but I think we can do it. We made an interesting purchase near the end of Winter Break -- a woman on craigslist was selling a bunch of nice jigsaw puzzles cheap, so we drove up north of Fort Collins and bought ten or twelve from her. These are adult-level puzzles, but the kids think they're fun too. I'm the puzzle champ, Rocket Boy is pretty good, and the kids do their best. We just finished our third (see photo) and maybe we'll start #4 tomorrow. Doing jigsaw puzzles as a family is a nice inexpensive activity, good for cold winter days. I hope these puzzles will help us pass the time and get along with each other, while we hope for Rocket Boy to find another job, soon.
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