Resolutions

I finally made my New Year's resolutions. We've been so late with everything this year -- I finally sent out the second batch of Christmas cards this weekend, but that still leaves the third batch. When are they going to go out, February? I worry that if I don't send someone a card, I'll be cut from their list. Actually, I think a lot of people I know don't send cards anymore, or only send them some years. Facebook and all that has done a number on Xmas cards. Stupid Facebook and stupid electronic everything.

OK, calm down, and back to the point of the post: New Year's resolutions. I always start by looking at last year's accomplishments and in 2015 they were pretty meager. I kept my job, but we didn't get Clifford's house fixed up, nor rented, nor did we do much of anything for our own house. I planned to read 52 books, but only got to 42 -- did see a lot of movies, but that doesn't seem like an achievement! I only read one Presidential biography (Andrew Jackson) and wrote nothing at all. And yet, somehow I was always tired.

Two things I did do: went through that roller coaster with the Kaiser weight loss clinic, finally coming up with a drug that helped me lose weight -- and even that one I screwed up at the end of the year, lost my prescription, had to cancel an appointment, etc. I've now been off the drug for over a month -- or maybe it's 6 weeks, I don't know -- and have gained about half the weight back. (I want to go back on it, but the logistics are giving me trouble.) Anyway, even though that's currently kind of a mess, losing 15 lbs was an achievement, and it was very difficult and took a lot of my time and energy.

The other "accomplishment," or whatever you want to call it was getting Kid B evaluated by Children's Hospital and finally into some treatment. He's been having speech therapy all fall, and though his therapist and I agree that it isn't really what he needs, I feel proud to have accomplished anything at all in that area. Well, sometimes proud. Sometimes frustrated and depressed. I keep remembering our final interview with the Children's psychologist -- I tried to ask her if there could be anything else going on with Kid B that didn't make it into her report and she kind of pulled rank on me, mentioned her years of experience and ALL the kids she evaluates constantly -- and said NO, there couldn't be anything else. And yet... One thing he does now is swear at us and at his brother. Constantly. "Fuckin' damn," he'll say, at anything that upsets him. "You're a fuckin' asshole," he'll say to me when I tell him to put on his pajamas. Maybe this is normal for seven. It doesn't feel normal. He used to be so sweet and now he's so nasty. I'm sure it's my fault. Anyway, on we go. The speech therapist and I have agreed to use up all the sessions with her that Kaiser will pay for, since it is helping him somewhat, maybe (though he's decided he hates her), and then she and her boss will try to advise us on where to go next. Kaiser won't pay for anything else, we believe, so we'll have to see what we can afford.

Oh, and I got my hair cut at a new place, that I liked. That was probably the scariest thing I did all year. I went back a week ago and had it cut again and I liked the second haircut even better than the first. Huge, huge accomplishment for me.

So, that was 2015. Now, what are my resolutions for 2016?

1. Hang on to my job, if at all possible, no matter how hard it is sometimes.

2. Get Clifford's house fixed up FINALLY and rent it. We desperately need the income. I did finally order a dishwasher for it -- it was delivered Saturday -- I paid for installation, but it turned out there was some plumbing we were supposed to do before they installed it. Not clear what "installation" means, therefore, but anyway, now Rocket Boy has to find time to do that plumbing. OK, I don't want to think about this. Just keep pushing on, keep trying to get the house ready to rent.

3. Get back on the weight loss drug, try to lose more weight.

4. Help Kid B continue with therapists and whatnot, try to make things better with him, not worse.

5. There are a bunch of resolutions related to hobbies/fun, like read 26 books (I've scaled way back on that goal), read more presidential biographies (even one would be good), watch more videos with Rocket Boy (that's date night for us), take some more fun family trips, get out and go hiking more often. I made a very tentative writing resolution: "Settle on a fun writing project and try to work on it every week." You can tell I think that one's going to fail.

6. There are also some resolutions related to friends -- make new friends and keep the old, that kind of thing. I've done a lousy job with both of those over the last few years, and there are times when I feel almost totally friendless. I'm quite sure it's my own fault. I mean, it's connected with other things, depression over our situation here, my difficult children, my odd husband. But I think other people in difficult situations do make friends. I really have to think about that one. Why do I isolate myself? What could I do differently? I've had so many wonderful friendships through the years. Why is now different? I think part of it is that I don't feel able to do things for other people, and that's often how friendships begin -- getting involved with things, volunteering, joining clubs. I have only enough energy available to get through the days, nothing left over for other people. Another thing is that whenever I'm in a situation where I'm starting to get to know someone, talk to them a little, etc., I find myself complaining about my life, or being sarcastic and cynical. I'm not the sort of person *I* would want to be friends with right now. And yet I'd so love to have a friend, someone to chat with, not someone to dump on. I was starting to be friendly with the person I sat next to at work, but she was booted out. I'll try again with my new cubicle-mate. There are other people at work, but I seem to make more enemies than friends. I don't know. I don't know what to do, really. But making/keeping friends still goes on the resolution list, though I don't know how to make it a reality.

This possibly wasn't the right time to do resolutions -- I should be happier, more positive and hopeful about the future. Maybe when I get the drug issue straightened out, and lose these 7 lbs again, I'll feel better. Maybe in a few months, when the semester's over, I'll be in a better place. But that's not the time to make resolutions. January is the time. Bleak January, which must be survived. It is January 18th and we are more than halfway through. I will survive, and some of these resolutions will be accomplished.